Pinch Me

I can't believe I haven't written anything since Thanksgiving! I have always considered myself to be a busy person, but I didn't know NUTHIN' - cause the last two months have been the craziest of my entire life. I have truly gained a testimony that my Heavenly Father is mindful of me. I was not made to handle everything I've had to handle lately - but He's picked up the pieces I dropped and has helped me stay calm when I would normally be a wreck!

In two days, there will be another Varney bride, a new son-in-law, and another lovely day. Lauren said to me the other day, "Mom, I'm not stressed - Jeremy and I will get married Saturday morning, and what ever else happens that day doesn't matter."

I feel so blessed that she feels that way! We've definitely been tempted to get sucked in to the great funnel of wedding stress - but have been able to avoid it for the most part.

I feel so blessed about so many things - a wonderful husband, who has a wonderful new job as a book-buyer at UVU - wonderful friends who have been willing to help in a myriad of ways - wonderful children who are growing into amazing people.

Life can be magical, if you can hang on through the yucky parts!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I love Thanksgiving. There are many reasons. It's good to reflect on what I'm thankful for. I try to think of random things, sometimes, so I remember to thank Heavenly Father for other stuff. Not just the same old, same old.

1) I am thankful Randy is fun. Without him, my life would be boring. I am boring. I like routine, consistency and safety. He is a risk taker. I'll never forget when he came home from work one day and told us we were GOING to take a vacation to Disneyland. We couldn't afford it. (That was my pervading thought.) He packed us up in our little red hatchback (with Nick and Phil in the hatch) and off we went. That trip changed our lives for the better in so many ways, I can't even begin to count them. I love him, for all the ways he thinks differently and is different from me. I am lucky.

2) I am thankful that my children are unique, stubborn, intelligent, talented and faithful. What they have in common ends there. They are 6 completely different people. (No 8!!! I consider Mike and Jeremy in that mix! Maybe it's cheeky of me - but I can't help it!) I love the way their differences enrich our family. It's like seasoning a chicken. Some people just use salt. I love garlic and parsley, thyme and basil, sage and rosemary, bay leaves and curry. Variety - spice. Luckily, we are all tied together in love.

3) I am thankful that I know what the truth is. I know who I am, where I came from and where I'm going. I'm not afraid of death. I'm not afraid of the end of the world. This world can end, and I'll be just fine, because I know what to expect from the next one.

That's good for now!

I was supposed to only work a half-day today. With my new job responsibilities, it's hard right now to stop at noon when there's so much more to do. This is why I'm writing at 3:00 am. I have a schedule of Thanksgiving menu items that have to be prepped before morning if we're going to feast as planned. Right now, I'm waiting for meringue crusts to bake, so I can turn off the oven and let them sit "overnight" - ha - not much overnight left! I could go to bed afterwards, but am just a little worried that I won't wake up at 5:00 am to start prepping the 23lb monster turkey I bought! Perhaps tomorrow there will be time for me to be thankful for a nap!

Jenna's Wedding

Emerging from the Mt. Timpanogos Utah Temple as man and wife!




Pinch me - I'm a lucky Mom!




Had to add a little Disney magic!




They've been married now for almost two weeks - and they're still glowing as much as in this picture! It must be love!

Forever

Today is the anniversary of the day my mother (at 5 yrs old) arrived in Salt Lake City after emmigrating from Switzerland.

Today Jenna, Lauren and Phillip went through the Mt. Timpanogos Utah temple to receive their own endowments. I got to receive instruction from the temple matron with my two oldest daughters, and Phillip received instruction with his Dad and 2 new big brothers. (Jeremy and Mike)

Can I describe what it's like to stand in the Celestial Room with your husband and watch each of your 3 oldest children enter through the veil? No. Words have not been created that could ever begin to express what I felt. To top it off, watching my daugthers embrace the men they will marry - and knowing they are beginning a new cycle of faith and new eternal families was exquisite. Val Jensen, Kris Ross, Angie and my Aunt Ruthi attended the session with us, and it was glorious to have them there.

I love my family - and we WILL be a family FOREVER!!!

Today

Phillip will be serving in Munich, Germany/Austria! He reports to the MTC on March 10. His mission is right on the border of Switzerland, where my mother was born, and later served her mission. Her father, my Grossatti served his mission in Germany. And...today is my mother's birthday.

Happy Birthday Mom! Your grandson is heading out to serve in your homeland. I'm sure you are thrilled!

Tomorrow

Phillip will get his mission call either tomorrow or Thursday. Wow! I remember when the nurse put him in my arms the day he was born. My first son. The first thing I thought about was how I could possibly prepare him to serve the Lord one day. How are you supposed to do that anyway???

He was born in December. There was something really special about rocking a new baby boy under the Christmas tree, and thinking about His Elder brother whose birthday we were celebrating. Phillip grew to love trucks and dinosaurs. He loved cracking jokes and making people laugh. But he had a really quiet and serious side, too. His still waters truly did run deep.

When he was in 1st grade he wrote a paper in Miss Kunz class about how he wanted to one day grow up to be a Dad and a Bishop. I'll never forget the time when he was about 10 and he came to me and said, "Mom, I know why Jesus walks on the water. It's because Satan rules the water - so Jesus just walks right over the top of him."

Slowly, while raising him, Randy and I came to realize that it wasn't so much about preparing him to be a missionary ourselves, it was more about allowing the Spirit in our home, so that He could encourage Phillip to prepare himself. (Long sentence - sorry!)

When I look at him now, I can see all his versions. I see the new baby with chicken legs and "Spock" ears. I see the roly- poly chubby 6-month old - the toddler in red overalls - the new Kindergartner - the 5th grader. I see him in Junior High and High School - performing in the plays he loves and making friends. What's strange is that I can see some future versions of him too. The missionary, with a super short hair cut - (He said to me last week, "I don't care where the Lord sends me, Mom, I get to preach the same gospel wherever I go!) the giddy young man with a beautiful fiance on his arm - the newlywed - the father.

One day - a nurse will place a baby boy in his arms and a new cycle of faith and joy will continue. I can hardly wait!

Happy Anniversary

Hi Honey!

Hope you're sleeping! I've just finished writing the Primary program - whew! That's a relief! I'm looking forward to a wonderful, relaxing day with you and our family! I just looked at the date and realized it's our 24th anniversary!

Wow! Happy Anniversary sweetheart! I can't believe we've been married this long! I remember kneeling at the alter with you in the temple, standing in the reception line and looking forward to our honeymoon ;o) - and as wonderful as our wedding day was, I could never have imagined the blessings in store for us.

Yes - we've had our fair share of challenges, but I feel so blessed to know that I'm walking through this life with my very best friend.

I have no gift to offer to you today and that makes me a little sad, until I remember the eternal gifts we share. Our son will be ordained a priest today. Our other son will be able to stand in the circle to ordain him, along with 2 new sons who will shortly be marrying our daughters for eternity.

There will be other years when we can go out for fancy dinners and exchange wrapped packages, but this year I am overwhelmed with the gifts Heavenly Father has given us, that will last forever.

I love you! Thanks for choosing me 24 years ago, and every day since!

Em

Dear Jeremy,

I've been meaning to write this for awhile - tonight seemed like the right time. I've been looking back through our family pictures and you have a funny way of showing up in many of them! I found a picture of you the day you were a witness for Becca's baptism and of course, there are a myriad of CSYP pics. You wrote letters of recommendation for Phillip and for Nick for their Eagle Scout awards and you have been there, for my family, for a long time. Courtney will have no recollection of not knowing and loving you - she's adored you since she was a baby.

I don't think I'll say anything here that you don't know already - it's a pity - I'd love to have some witty phrase or comical anecdote to include!

Something told me 5 years ago, that you were very special. This is no revelation - I don't know anyone who knows you who would not concur. About a year later, that same something told me that you would have a very special place in my family. Weird! It didn't make much sense - and trying to make sense of it hurt my head.

When you and Lauren are sealed in a couple of months, I know you won't really be "joining" our family - you will be creating your own! Nevertheless, I hope it's okay that we love you as much as we do - that we consider you a part of us.

This mother-in-law thing has me worried - I have to confess. You've been my good friend for so many years and I don't want to do anything to mess that up! You have such a wonderful Mom - and she seems to have the mother-in-law thing sewn up! I'll watch her from afar and try to follow her good example. I guess the most important thing is that I hope you'll always feel safe enough to tell me the truth - to let me know when I need to back off and give you and Lauren the space you need.

I have so much joy in my heart for the blessings ahead for you - I like it when you're happy! I love how happy Lauren is with you. Am glad there's an eternity of happiness in store for you both!!!

Christmastime is Here!!!

Okay - not really! But! I've changed my playlist to all Christmas music, because I start listening to Christmas music in September. I love the way I feel when the music I'm listening to reminds me of kindness, happiness and the Savior.

It's cold today, and Timp mountain is covered in snow. The foothills are radiant with gorgeous oranges, yellows and reds and it's been raining here in the valley. So much of my life is changing radically, that it's somehow comforting to see a visual change in nature as well.

Phillip was FINALLY able to get all of his mission paperwork sent this past Sunday, which means we should see a mission call in the mail, two weeks from today. SURREAL! Things are looking good for Jenna, Lauren and Phillip to all go through the temple for their own endowments, together - October 31 at the Mt. Timpanogos Temple. Kind of a fun twist on the holiday - wouldn't you say? Doing something so "spirit-filled" on Halloween will be a great memory.

I feel lucky...

Exercising Faith

Exercising makes me think of getting sweaty, working hard and pushing myself beyond normal limits. Today, I'm realizing that for my faith to grow I will have to undergo a measure of pain. I always thought the term "Exercising Faith" meant just using faith, but I was wrong. My muscles ache when I'm through with a work out, but the results are always rewarding. Odds are it works on a spiritual level as well.

I think Heavenly Father means for me to be more than what I am, now. Hope I can measure up eventually...

Me First

What has happened to the world? There seems to be a collective voice, rising up chaotically and screaming ME FIRST!!! Have we, as children of God become nothing short of a bunch of 2 year olds?

I like to think I am involved and knowledgeable in political arenas, both local and national. I am staunchly conservative and any liberal agenda bothers me horrifically. However, when I step back and remember that opposing opinions do not negate the primal fact that I am connected to my human family - that every individual is either brother or sister - politics don't matter as much.

If we clamored less for what we want for ourselves and devoted just 15 minutes a day to selfless service for someone else, the world would change without government spending and contentious debate. If we worried less about the offense we took and more about the offense we gave we would be happier and more content.

Courtney says the sweetest prayers - chocked full of thanks. "Thank you for the lovely colors in our world; thank you for my soft bed; thank you for letting me go to school..." and on and on. My prayers are full of wants and needs and sorrows, with a few obligatory "thank yous" thrown in for good measure. I have a lot to learn from my 5-yr old!

Ch-ch-changes

This morning Wendy Vincent, assisted by her friend Melanie, took beautiful bridal pictures of Jenna.

This afternoon, Lauren and Jeremy decided to have their reception at the Springville Art Museum.

Next week, Phillip will be submitting his mission papers. (Photo by Amber Kaye Smith)


It feels like 10 minutes ago, I was taking the following picture - even though it was 16 years ago...

Nick just started high school. (photo by Amber Kaye Smith)

Becca and Courtney just started 5th grade and Kindergarten.

There is much to celebrate, and yet I find myself crying A LOT. There are tears of joy, regret, gratitude, humility, etc. Much introspection is taking place in my heart. Did I do what I planned to do? Did I (and do I) love them enough? Can my mistakes be redeemed? Can they overcome my failings and excel beyond my shortcomings?

I sure hope so - - - I love them so!

With Blessings Unmeasured, My Cup Runneth O'er

I was going to title this blog - Elder Phillip, Part 2. But there's so much more I need to cover. The blessings of the previous week are too numerous. A week ago, we went to Temple Square in Salt Lake City. We attended "Music and the Spoken Word", which was lovely. The Tabernacle Choir sang "The Lord is My Shepherd" with a beautiful arrangement I'd never heard before.

We were celebrating, because Phillip was being ordained later that day. To attend any Tabernacle Choir performance, you must be at least 8 years old. So, when we go, someone always has to stay out with the current Varney youngster. It is actually a coveted position, as said person, gets to wander around Temple Square unfettered by the rest of the Varney clan.

Since it may have been the last time we were up there for Music and the Spoken Word, before Phillip goes on his mission, he received the designation. He took this picture of Courtney at the Christus statue in the North Visitor's Center. He said he turned around and she had randomly clasped her hands in silent prayer. So sweet.

We met up with them again afterwards, and had to all trek back to the North Visitor's Center to see the Christus statue again - because, hey - it's tradition! Jeremy and Mike were with us. I love this picture! In it I have my Savior, my husband, the sons I gave birth to and the sons I'm getting because my daughters have the good sense to be marrying them! That's right! Lauren and Jeremy are now officially engaged!

But, I am getting ahead of myself! After wandering around Temple Square a little more, we went up to my Aunt Elfriede's house in Holladay. It's actually the house my Grossmutti and Grossatti built.
Arnold Friberg was my Grossatti's friend, and painted "God bless this house and the people going in and out.", in German, as a trade for some landscaping. Before my mother died, she would touch up the paint from time-to-time. It's beautiful to me...

We had a wonderful brunch with Elfriede, my cousin Cherie and her kids, my Aunt Ruthi and her fiancee, Tom. We were able to walk around the house and relive a few memories. My favorite was the small amphitheater where I used to stage plays with my cousins.

Next, it was home for Phillip's ordination. We were joined by Phillip's friend Melissa and Angie Kremnev and her kids, Nik and Anna.

Phillip's ordination was beautiful; Randy's blessing was poignant and the Spirit was very strong. Phillip is a man, now. Wow! We had a fun BBQ. The day was over.

Tuesday evening, Jeremy traded Randy a 2 liter bottle of Coke, for Lauren. Well, not really, but it makes for a good story!

Thursday he proposed to her at Amber's house (yay for Amber!) and she took some lovely pictures of them! Here's one. Aren't they adorable???
To say I feel blessed doesn't even begin to cover it! I need to write a whole nuther blog about all the feelings I'm trying to juggle. However, it's late and my brain is getting jumbley.

Just so He knows - "Thanks Heavenly Father....it's been a great week!"

Elder Phillip Part 1

Today we are going to 2 full rounds of church. We just got back from the Mt. Mahogany Stake conference, where Phillip was sustained as a new Elder. He will be set apart next week - so Part 2 to follow. The Young Single Adult ward in our area is in a different stake, so we'll get to attend 2 stake conferences within 3 weeks! (I'm not being sarcastic - it was a beautiful meeting today!)

I have 3 minutes before I have to jet off to our own ward block (the late schedule - 1pm to 4pm - BLECK!) and wanted to record this while my feelings were fresh.

For any of you who are not LDS, none of this will make much sense. Receiving the priesthood when you are a Latter-day Saint male, comes in two stages. At 12, if you are living worthily, you receive the Aaronic Priesthood. This is a big deal for us - sort of like a Bah Mitzvah for a Jewish young man. At 18, if you are living worthily, you receive the Melchizedek priesthood and usually, prepare to go off to serve a 2 year mission for our church at 19. The receiving of the Melchizedek priesthood signifies full manhood and the authority to act in the name of Jesus Christ in sacred ordinances. (Is that enough of a recap? If not, email me!)

Today, a congregation raised it's collective arms to the square and accepted my eldest son's worthiness to serve the Lord. His Stake President, yesterday in his interview, told him he was one of the most prepared young men he'd interviewed. He is prepared. It's true. He has a biting sense of humor; I still have to remind him to whisper in church; but his faith is unwavering - he loves his Heavenly Father and is dedicated to serving His cause.

I am, by no means, done with mothering him. But he has now accepted the full responsibility of acting on his own. My role with him is changing. It's bittersweet - mostly sweet.

A really cool thing happened after the sustaining vote. The stake choir sang "How Great Thou Art." This was my Grossatti's (grandfather's) favorite hymn. We often tease Phillip because he inherited Grossatti's hair (it grows straight up - I am SO not kidding!). I could feel Grossatti right there. He was so proud of his great-grandson. The chain of faith is continuing through the generations of my family. I haven't completely screwed it up yet!

Grossatti must be busy, because he only stuck around for the first verse....that's okay! It was enough.

(Photo by Amber Kaye Smith)

The Bump on the Back of My Head

No, I do not have a concussion. But I do have a sort of a problem, I suppose.

My two oldest daughters, Jenna and Lauren, are not around as much as they used to be. And...I am anticipating they soon will be around less as they are ready to go off and live their own lives, away from their Mommy. They are good girls. They do things like take their younger siblings school shopping, among many other wonderful things.

They also make sure I don't embarrass myself when I walk out of the house.

They introduced me to the beauty of hair straighteners. I was born in the 60's w/ 80's hair. I wake up in the morning looking like Sheba, the jungle woman. The hair straightener in the downstairs bathroom takes me from barbarian to civilian.

Not embarrassing myself in public with my appearance is way less important to me than it should be. I often feel as though I'm in a mad race with the clock from the second I bolt from bed at 7:00 am, 'til I collapse around 1:00 am. My top priorities are too numerous to list here, but my coif doesn't rate. My lovely daughters amplify the voice of reason that says I shouldn't be frightening people at the grocery store.

So, I try to look presentable - stoke the straightener and run it through the tangles. Except I always miss the back of my head. What does it matter to me - I can't see it? If it disturbs someone who is staring at me from behind, sah-ha-rreeee!!!! Won't make me lose sleep. Enter again, pre-mentioned lovely eldest daughters. With a smile, a gentle hand on my shoulder and a determined look, one of them will steal behind me and effortlessly burn the waviness into submission.

Soon, my hair and I will be on our own again - until Becca and Courtney are old enough to care and tall enough to reach!

HOT Date

I took the day off from work yesterday, and went on a date with my boyfriend/husband. We haven't been able to do much dating. Children are wonderful and jobs are necessary, but both can get in the way of romance from time to time, if you're not careful.

First, we went up to the LDSBA (Latter-day Saint Bookseller's Association) convention in Sandy. It was good to see some old friends. I say the term "friends" very loosely - I should say "Randy's old friends." It doesn't matter that I've been attending these with him for the last 18 years - practically everyone squints at my name tag, looks to Randy to make sure our last names match and then they stick their hands out awkwardly and introduce themselves to me.

I must make quite an impression on people!

Rember shrinky-dinks??? I LOVED those when I was a kid! You would start with a big piece of plastic - you'd color it with sharpie markers, stick it in the oven on a cookie sheet, and it would writhe torturously (I always imagined silent screaming) until settling itself into a shrunken form. This is pretty much what has happened to the LDS book industry. (Complete with the writhing and silent screaming.) It used to take at least 4 hours to walk through the convention floor thoroughly - and at least 3 days to visit with everyone if Randy was placing orders. Yesterday, we made the initial walk through in 30 minutes. SAD SAD SAD SAD SAD SAD! (I have my theories on why this has come to be - I will keep them to myself!)

Still, we were able to walk around, holding hands and eating homemade caramels, banana Laffy Taffy and chocolate mints (most of the booths offer bowls of goodies!) - so it wasn't all bad!

Next, we went to lunch. When you are actually dating, and you go out to eat, you flirt with each other. When you are "married dating", you discuss the children. Hmmmm. Oh well - no use in wondering why - it's just what you do! Luckily we had only happy things to talk about. We have reason to be very happy with and for our children right now. We did delve into jobs and bills a little - which are subjects that are not as fun - but this did not last too long as this was a day to enjoy each other and icky reality could wait for another day!

While driving home, Randy decided we should see a movie. Wow - I can't even remember the last time we went to a movie without the kids! We were hoping to see Star Trek - but it wasn't playing anymore. We had seen the latest Harry Potter, didn't want to see Aliens in the Attic or any of the several other "R" rated options. This left us with 2 choices. G.I. Joe, or Julie & Julia. I really didn't care - so I left Randy to decide and bolted for the bathroom - too much ice water with lemon at Red Robin!

When I met Randy in the lobby he had tickets for...........Julie & Julia!!!! He picked the chick flick over the action movie! Melt my heart!

It was a GREAT movie. I grew up watching Julia Child's cooking shows on PBS w/ my mom and Meryl Streep's played her, like she WAS her. Marriage was portrayed so well - I LOVED it - I love it when marital sex is celebrated! It should be - it's the best kind! It was uplifting and fun and Randy and I laughed all the way through it - and we REALLY needed to laugh. Haven't done much of that lately.

The next phase of our date was........grocery shopping!!!! Then Jenna brought Taco Bell and Red Box home, (yahoo for Jenna!) so we ate while watching Coraline with Becca and Courtney. Randy snuck away for a little while to finish up a school assignment. Then, story time with Courtney and the official end of the day. I didn't even wait up for Lauren, Phillip and Nick, like I normally do. All in all - a GREAT day of dating!

Feeling lucky right now, to be so in love w/ my hubby!

Dear Mike...

I was going to start off my note to you with a Mother-in-law joke. I looked them up, and they were all really mean, and made me nervous.

I am going to be your Mother-in-law. In 3 months. Randy has never had a mother-in-law as she died 2 years before we were married. My mother-in-law is the kind they write the nasty jokes about.

I don't want to be that kind...

Never having had this particular title before, I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to feel about the job. I'll just have to go with my gut. Here's the deal...

I think you're an amazing guy. I know we got off to a rocky start - I hope you can forgive me for that someday. You are Jenna's perfect match - you balance her. You make her happy. This makes me happy. It's pretty much that simple. I love the way you fit into our family - you are a wonderful big brother - the boys idolize you! You are mellow, easy going, a great sport - patient with our *gasping*! You are easy to love!

I know you have a mother - a wonderful one. I would never dream of taking her place - but it will be very easy to think of you as another one of my sons.

Since I am new to this job, I will most certainly, make mistakes. They will be unintentional, I promise. I hope you will trust my intentions enough, to let me know when I've overstepped my bounds, hurt your feelings, etc. I will always do the best I can to right my wrongs, if you'll let me know what they were!

Randy and I have never known what it was like to have parents who supported our marriage. We want to support yours. This means we will accept that you and Jenna are forming a new family. The two of you will create the rules and boundaries in this new family, and we will honor them. We will love your children - all of them - equally. We will not undermine your parenting, but hope to be a resource and support for them and for you. We will love having you visit and will love visiting you - but will do all we can to keep a balance, so you won't come to think of our time together as obligatory and annoying.

That's all for now - just know that when we're in the temple together in 90 days, and I'm teary, it will be because I'm so happy to be getting a son-in-law like you!

Go Go Go Varneys

I just got back from watching Joseph & The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat at the Scera Shell - it opened tonight. Nick played Benjamin, Phillip played Gad and Lauren was in the ensemble.

My good friends Tamela, Kristen and Corinne, from CSYP, were in the show as well. It was so fun to see them all and so strange to not be back stage, shooting off the confetti cannon! It was also great to see all the new friends I hear so much about from my kids - Amber, Chris, Doug, Josh, Jim (Grandpa), Jamie, etc. And man, Shawn is an AWESOME choreographer! Jeremy directed - and oh my heck, could I love that boy any more than I already do? Apparently, YES! I love the Spirit he invited to the show through his direction. My philosophy is if the Spirit gives His stamp of approval to something, it must be really good. And I could tell He REALLY liked it!

Lauren is a beautiful dancer. When she's onstage I have a hard time taking my eyes off her. No one would even guess from watching her, that she's never taken dance lessons. She's done stuff w/ CSYP and did a dance class for UVU, but that's it. She's a natural talent. She just glows and she's so graceful - her gift is something she brought with her and I'm glad she's working to improve it while she's here on earth.

Nick puts every ounce of his being into everything he does. I love to watch him onstage, too. It always bugs me when someone references the giving of 110%. This is not possible! However, if it really were possible to give that much, Nick would be the one to do it! He wasn't going to audition for Joseph, but was talked into it at the midnight premier of the newest Terminator movie from earlier this summer. He's made such great friends - most of them twice his age - but it's all good! We weren't able to take our annual summer trip to Disneyland and the beach this year - and even so, I know Nick will remember this summer as the best of his life.

Phillip is a real leader in our family. He's the one who led us into community youth theater, which literally changed our lives for the better. He is a great example - a great young man on his way to becoming a great man. He really struggled with the decision to do this play, in the face of getting ready for college and a mission. I'm glad he followed the promptings he got. I love watching several things about Phillip onstage - his facial expression and his dancing! He makes the greatest faces - honestly. He expresses so much, so well ,with the wink of an eye or a raised eyebrow. I love his dancing because he's worked so very hard to become a good dancer. His abilities are a testament to his work ethic. Way to go, buddy!

Tonight, Jenna and Mike were with us and my aunts Ruthi and Elfriede came, along with my cousin Cherie and her two kids. It was fun to have them chat with Jenna about her upcoming wedding and spend some more time with Mike, whom they've met before and REALLY like.
During intermission, Ruthi and Elfriede came over with me to visit a little with Jeremy, who was sitting behind us. They were very complementary of the performance and Jeremy even blushed a little. At one point, I looked up and there was a space between them and I could feel my Mom standing between them - the three Balmer girls checking out Lauren's beau. Luckily, the show started up before I lost it. It was an exquisite moment - but it was fleeting - as most exquisite moments are.

Tonight - we were a happy family. Jenna was happy with Mike and the future that lies before them. Lauren, Phillip and Nick were happy sharing their talents with their true, good friends. Courtney and Becca were happy because they usually are! Randy and I were happy because our children were happy.

Does this mean we live vicariously through our kids? Maybe. But what about Heavenly Father, when He says, "This is My work and My glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man."? Is He living vicariously? I don't think so - pretty sure He's had plenty of His own excitement! I just think there's nothing better or more fulfilling than watching your children choose good paths.

I'm sure there are bumps ahead, there ALWAYS are. But -

"Go, go, go Varneys you know what they say - Hang on now Varneys you'll make it some day..."

If we keep trying, maybe we will!

Another Tuesday Afternoon in the Lion's Club - OR - Everyone Should Take A Dance Class From Kristen

Okay - I'm sitting, in the office at the Lion's club where we hold CSYP and Broadway Bound rehearsals, and currently, summer workshops. I have a handy-dandy little air card, so graciously provided by CSYP, which makes it possible for me to work while creating the illusion that a responsible adult is overseeing various administrative affairs. (Wonder if I'm pulling that off?)

Right now, as the work day has officially ended, I'm working on my blog while watching a dance class with 5 adorable little girls (my 10-year old daughter, Becca included). An hour ago, I was watching another class of older adorable girls - and my 15-year old son Nick.

There's a funny thing about youth theater - when I'm acting in my capacity as a producer I truly love all the kids. I'm sure people assume my kids get preferential treatment, but my children know better. Lauren said something funny the other day. She's dating our CSYP Musical Director - who just so happens to be her director for "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" at the Scera Shell this summer, in Orem. She said,

"People just don't get it Mom, they think they can get special favors from Jeremy if they ask me to talk with him. Being the Director's girlfriend is just like being a Producer's kid - you have to behave better and work harder than everyone else and set a good example."

Did this statement make me happy! Duh! The things you say over and over again do sink in!!!

In loving the kids at CSYP, I love watching what they learn. Kristen is teaching choreography right now - many jazz squares! But she's teaching something so much more important. Some of the girls have better technique with the jazz squares than others - but they all are learning that if they work really hard they will create something to be proud of.

One of our older students posted on her FB status a week or so ago, that she didn't think she was very good at dancing. This made me so sad. She was only looking at what she couldn't do quite yet. I've been watching her for weeks and I can see how much she has improved and know she will continue to improve as long as she doesn't give up.

I often get discouraged at all the things I'm not good at yet. The list is so freakin' long. Oddly enough, the older I get the longer the list gets! Why is that!!!

Still, I'm sitting here, watching the little girls. They'll grow into women in a blink. I hope they'll always remember what Kristen is teaching them. (Jazz squares included. This is a skill that can come in handy, right?) If they never forget, they'll go so far with so much less self doubt. If you're empowered to continually work for self-improvement there's so much less to berate yourself over.

You're a great teacher Kristen - hope you know you're making a difference! Love ya!

My Own Pioneer

Today was Pioneer Day. We did nothing to celebrate - Jenna, Lauren, Phillip, Nick, Randy and I all had to work all day. Then, the boys took off to a BBQ with the cast of the show they're in, Jenna went to hang out w/ her fiance and Lauren went to spend the evening with her boyfriend. After I finished up with spreadsheets and reports, the little girls and I made Orange Julius's and watched the DVD of the CSYP production of Seussical from a couple of years ago.

After putting them to bed and while walking the dog, I was thinking about pioneers - more specifically, MY pioneer heritage. On my father's side of the family, I've got it all in the way of church history. Nauvoo, the trek across the plains, polygamy - you name it. I'm as Molly Mormon as they come if you're counting genealogy.

My mother's side is different.

She was born in Switzerland in 1942. Her grandmothers on both sides had joined the church and brought their children with them into the gospel. Her parents grew up in the same branch, dirt poor and completely devoted to their faith. They married and had 3 daughters - Elfriede, Therese (Mom) and Ruthi. When my mother was 5, my Grossatti (grandpa) decided to immigrate to America. They were told there would NEVER be a temple in Europe, and there were worries about marrying off the three daughters to returned missionaries one day, when church membership in Interlocken was so small. So, they left everything they knew, hopped a boat and off they went.

My mother remembered running along the deck and playing with Ruthi, who was just 1 year younger than she. She had a doll she loved and one day she was retying her apron, when a gust of wind whipped the apron from her little hands and blew it overboard. I'm quite sure that to her dying day, she felt devastated over such a traumatic little-girl loss!

Her family settled in Holladay and rebuilt a farmhouse into a beautiful Swiss chalet, near Olympus High school. My grandfather was a renowned tree surgeon and landscape artist and
he and my grandmother worked HARD every day of their lives. It meant everything to them, to be sealed together through temple ordinances and be a family forever.

After Mom graduated from high school, she started saving her money for a trip back to Switzerland to visit her aunts and uncles and cousins. While she was there, she was called on a mission! Prior to the creation of the MTC, it took missionaries quite awhile to learn the language in foreign countries. Even though she was only 19, and female missionaries are usually 21, she accepted and spent 18 months in her homeland preaching the gospel.

She loved the gospel. The light of her testimony shone through her eyes every day for the rest of her life. She taught me about Jesus Christ, about His glorious atonement, about repentance and forgiveness. We listened to the soundtracks of Saturday's Warriors and My Turn on Earth - cheesy, I know - but so much of my understanding of the church was enhanced by those musicals! We would sing at the top of our lungs while doing housework and making dinner. It's funny to think about it now...

In My Turn on Earth, there's a song - Heaven is Like. It's an upbeat song, bubbly and happy and all, and the last line of it is "...Heaven is my home town." Mom would always cry when we sang that. Maybe she knew she was heading home early.

So, today - I honor my mother. My own personal pioneer. She came across the ocean, instead of across the plains - in the 1940's instead of the 1840's. I think about her every day. While I watched Seussical, I thought about how thrilled she would have been to have been sitting in the audience in between Randy and Jenna w/ Courtney on her lap, to hear Phillip and Becca sing their duet in Alone in the Universe - to watch Nick dance hip hop as a Wickersham brother and see Lauren shine as The Cat in The Hat.

I am trying so hard every day, to be the example to my children that she was to me.

Goodnight, Mom - see you in Solla Sollew!

Ye Are Not Forgotten

I wish I could find the artist's first name - his last is McNaughton. In any case, I love this picture. I change the wallpaper on my PC three times a year. During the holidays I find a great picture of Temple Square with Christmas lights, or a snowy landscape. In the spring I put up the publicity pic of our April CSYP show. The rest of the year I use this.

The first time I found it, I was also in the process of looking for my brother. He's lost to me right now. It gave me comfort to think that even though I didn't know exactly where he was or what he was doing, and I couldn't look out for him the way a big sister should, he had a Big Brother who was mindful of him.

Since that time, I've decided that the black sheep is me. Not all the time - (I don't have that much self loathing!) just in my off times. It makes me feel really good when I think that even if I'm not on my "A" game, and I'm making loads of mistakes; putting my foot in my mouth; letting people down; in general - not up to snuff, so-to-speak - there's always still a place for me in His arms.

The little white lambs are me sometimes, too. They're in a good place, all is well -though they're insistent upon grazing right there by His feet. Whichever color of lamb I am on any given day, how glad I am to know that He is my Shepherd - and that I am never forgotten.

Never Throw Out Anyone

I have 2 quotes taped to the computer on my desk at home. Today I want to share one of them.

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

Audry Hepburn

I see this every day and love it. Most of it makes me smile, but part of it....hurts. I figure if I keep looking at it every day, perhaps one day I will work through the hurty part and it will all make me happy!

First of all, let me speak to the happy parts! I love that Audry Hepburn's beauty secrets are all about kindness, service, spending happy time with children, and a having a relationship with God. She was most definitely BEAUTIFUL, but mostly, to me, because she was so lovely inside. I know lots of really ugly people, who happen to be good looking.

I love too, the bit at the end about our two hands - and their purpose. I can totally buy all of that.

It's the middle that gets me...the part about people.

Randy and I have been thrown out, you see. Both of our families decided we weren't worth having around and they disowned us. The details are icky and in reality, unimportant. The decisions were made and the repercussions are sad and eternal. Our children had nothing to do with the decision my father and Randy's parents made - and yet they have been wounded, too.
It does something to you inside, when the people who are supposed to love you forever, don't. Especially, when it's your parents. If you can be rejected by the people who brought you into the world, well then.....

On the flip side, we are lucky to have a Heavenly Father who loves us - never rejects us and blesses us in a myriad of ways. So - both earthly fathers were complete duds, but we still have One who is really great! :o)

The thing about Audry's quote (the people part) that is most painful to me when I read it, is how easy it is for me to throw people away. It is fairly easy for me to discern someone's character, quickly. I can see danger signs in behaviors and often successfully forecast future calamities. I have used this as an excuse to dismiss people - just write them off. This is NOT justifiable.

My Savior, who knows my heart, my weaknesses and my failings, still bore the pain and anguish of every one of my sins (even the ones I haven't committed yet) in the Garden of Gethsemane that night. He didn't write me off or send me away, and I'm sure He can clearly see the pain I will still cause Him down the road. I read Audry's quote every day because she's talking about being like Jesus Christ, and I have a long way to go to get there. (But I'll keep trying...baby steps - right?)

Anyway - but, so......

Correct grammar is rather important to me. Ask my children. They would rather have their teachers have the first look at their school papers - I'm brutal. However, my favorite phrase is "Anyway - but, so....."

It isn't even really a sentence, but whatever it is, it served me well. It was the phrase Randy and I used when we were dating to extend our phone conversations when we had run out of things to say, or we'd already been on the phone for 4 hours, or it was really too late at night to talk anymore. Even when the conversation was spent, I never wanted to hang up. I can't imagine what things would have been like had we had texting. (Maybe I'd be good at it by now!)

Randy left for his mission to the Philippines 2 months after my mother died, in the fall of my Junior year of high school. The day before he left, we went to Perimeter Mall to walk around and talk. I remember us stopping, right in front of Macy's and I asked him if he was afraid of leaving. I knew he was doing the right thing and all, but I was definitely worried about life without him around, and wondered what he was thinking.

I'll never forget.... he said, "I'm afraid that when I get back, my dreams will have changed."

Randy played keyboards in a band and was getting a good reputation. He'd had an offer to do some studio work and it looked like he had a great future in music - music meant the world to him. He gave up a lot to leave and serve the Lord. He had a great and very exciting mission. He's got the most amazing mission stories I've ever heard - no lie.

When he returned home - his dreams changed. We were married 5 months later. There is less glamour and definitely less $ in the life we lead now, versus where he would have been. There is no one I admire more and no one I would rather spend eternity with and I'll feel lucky every day that he chose to give up so much for the Lord, and then, for me.

Anyway, but,.....so

About the Title...

Everyone in my family is involved with Center Stage Youth Performers - the community youth theater group for PG city. (Technically, my husband and oldest daughter, Jenna, aren't - but the rest of us are to such an extent that it spills over into their lives too!)

I'm a producer; Lauren is a workshop assistant and was once a student; Phillip was once a student; Nick and Becca are students; and Courtney begins this year in our starter group - Broadway Bound.
I love youth theater - I love watching what it does for kids. They learn responsibility, work ethics, teamwork, loyalty, literacy, self-confidence and to me, those lessons are way more important than learning to sing, dance and act. (And I think the singing, dancing and acting are pretty cool skills, too!)

I love the producers and creative staff at CSYP - they are family. Nuff said.




There are things - 2 things, actually, that I HATE about theater.


#1 Divas

#2 Psycho Parents


Divas come in all ages and genders. They expect the world to revolve around them. When it doesn't they throw tantrums. I struggle with patience when I'm around divas and resort to my "false happy" persona. It's sugary sweet, over the top, and blatantly obvious to anyone who knows me well. One sure trigger to launch the "false happy" me, is when a mother calls me to go over her 7-year-old daughter's resume with me. 7 -year-olds should NOT have resumes. This should be a crime. Especially since I have yet to meet a 7-year-old who lives up to said resume. I prefer normal kids who ride bikes, don't always get 100% on their spelling tests and occasionally like to perform in plays. (I like their parents better, too!)

Psycho Parents have one commonality. They don't believe rules should apply to them or to their children. They accept that rules are necessary, but only to everyone else. Psycho parents often threaten lawsuits, throw juvenile temper tantrums in public and in general, behave far worse than any child ever could. I always feel badly for their children....they suffer the most. Darned psycho parents!!!!


Overall, I LOVE theater. I just don't love unnecessary drama and really try to avoid it at all costs. Sometimes I fail at this - but it's always the goal....

Facebook

I am actually enjoying Facebook. Can't believe it. I was absolutely sure I didn't have time for such frivolity. Wrong - apparently I have plenty of time for it and now I don't think I could go a day without it. (Thanks Phil and Nick - you were so right!)

The thing that fascinates me the most is that people cannot hide who they are on Facebook. People I haven't seen or spoken with since high school are a joy to connect with and even though it's been 23 years I feel caught up and plugged in.

Amazing that a snippet of info here and there really defines us.

I love that I feel like I know all of my children's friends, even if I haven't met them yet. I love keeping up with my youth theater kids - and having the chance to cheer them up when they seem sad, or cheering them on when they post a success.

It's a good thing.

Breaking New Ground

Here I go - blogging - can't believe it. I love the written word, but writing in my journal is getting harder and harder, especially since I'm in front of a computer practically all day and by the time my day is done I'm in a vegetative state which often precludes putting pen to paper, if you catch my drift. Besides, posting my inner-most thoughts is seductive. I feel like I'm beginning a new adventure, not that I really need more excitement in my life. Actually, I'm on a quest for boredom, but perhaps chronicling my day-to-day details will help me gain some clarity. Could use a little more of that, I think.

I am 42 years old - Wow! I'm so proud of that - for a few reasons.

#1 My Mom died about 6 weeks shy of her 41st birthday. Every day I have beyond what she got, is icing on a cake I don't always feel like I deserve.

#2 I've always been the youngest. In Sunday School I was the only girl in a class full of really obnoxious boys, so I got bumped up to the next oldest class so as to have some companionship. Ever since then I have usually been the youngest in whichever crowd I hung out in. I was 18 when I got married. This would not have been unusual in Provo, but I lived in Atlanta. I was 19 when I had my first child - Jenna. When I went for my first doctor visit at the beginning of my pregnancy, the doctor wanted a permission note from my father. (Seriously??!?!?!) Permission for what? The deed was done! Now I am often the oldest in a group and it feels REALLY great - I've earned it!

#3 Aging is interesting. Sometimes I look in the mirror or see a picture one of my kids has posted of me on FB (Grrrr!) and I don't recognize myself. My body is getting older and I have to admit that it's a strange sensation. HOWEVER, I figure my spirit has been around for billions of years - I like the shape that it's in and hanging out in a body that will peter out eventually will only strengthen who I am inside. I don't worry too much about wrinkles and gray hair. I am a part of a process my Heavenly Father designed for me, for my own good. And I'm okay with that.

That is all for now. Will definitely have much more to say.... another time.